Denying a child's feelings backfires — acknowledge them instead

Faber and Mazlish argue that the instinctive parental response to a child's distress — "you're fine," "it's not that bad," "don't be scared" — is meant to comfort but actually teaches children to distrust their own emotional experience. The child isn't reassured; they just learn their feelings are wrong or unwelcome, which makes them less likely to share them next time.

Their alternative is simple but requires practice: name the feeling out loud, without judging or fixing it — "that sounds really frustrating" or "you were looking forward to that, and it got cancelled, that's disappointing." This doesn't solve the problem, but it makes the child feel accurately seen, which is often what defuses the emotional intensity enough for problem-solving to actually begin.

They stress this isn't about being permissive or avoiding limits — it's a first step, not a substitute for eventual boundaries. Acknowledgment comes before correction, not instead of it. Name the feeling before you try to fix the behavior — being understood is what actually calms a child down.