The State of Affairs

Esther Perel spent decades as a couples therapist listening to people explain why they strayed, and she concluded that Western culture's black-and-white script for affairs badly misses the point. Betrayal, secrecy, and lying certainly cause real damage, but Perel's central claim is that infidelity is best understood as a window into what a person feels is missing from their life, not simply a verdict on the strength of their marriage. Affairs often have less to do with wanting a different partner than with wanting to feel like a different, more alive version of oneself.

This reframing matters because the standard narrative of villain and victim leaves couples stuck: it offers punishment but no path toward understanding, and it fails entirely to explain why so many contented, loving partners still cheat. By treating affairs as diagnostic rather than purely criminal, Perel gives couples language to talk about desire, security, and the unrealistic expectations modern marriage places on a single person to be everything at once.

Who should read it

Anyone navigating the aftermath of infidelity, couples therapists, and readers curious about how modern marriage's outsized emotional demands shape betrayal will find this valuable. It also rewards people simply interested in the psychology of desire and long-term commitment.

About the author

Esther Perel is a Belgian-American psychotherapist and couples counselor based in New York, known for her TED talks and the podcast Where Should We Begin?. She previously wrote the bestseller Mating in Captivity.